Thor's Folly
by Shipperwolf
Summary: The prince of Asgaard may be a gentleman, but that does not mean he knows how to talk to women. When honesty proves not to be the best policy, can his fellow Avengers give Thor the advice he needs to return Jane to speaking terms? T/J, Avenger-verse.
1. Shopping with Jane

Hey friends! My short absence has gotten to me, apparently. For I come now with more silliness!

A small muti-chap that is-as usual-completely random.

I hope you enjoy! Please let me know if you find any errors-I rush, once again ;)

I disclaim all rights!

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><p>The sun was rising on Puente Antiguo, New Mexico.<p>

Birds chirped and car engines rumbled to life in the early-morning light.

The warmth of the giant ball of fire in the sky chased away the dry chill of the desert night.

And the prince of Asgaard felt this warmth hit his skin from the location of Jane Foster's favorite rooftop.

Thor sat straight and stiff on the lawn chair, greeting the sun but not enjoying it as much as he should be. His brow was lowered, his hands drawn together, fingers laced in a way that reminded him of Loki's mannerisms.

He had been sitting in the cold for much of the night, his gaze darting from the stars above to the shining metal of Jane's dwelling below.

His teeth were grinding slowly together and the hairs on his skin were constantly standing at attention in reaction to the cool desert breezes. He had not moved from his position since he had sat in it. And even as the sun began to rise, and the welcoming warmth had his blood rushing and reawakening his frozen senses, the son of Odin still hesitated to rise.

He had been pondering his current situation with great care.

He had gone over the encounter at least three-dozen times in the past few hours.

He was still no closer to understanding what had happened.

Or what to do about it.

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><p>Considering this next stay on Earth would be much longer than the previous, Jane had found it necessary to find him new clothes. Considering his stature, it did not take long to buy every available piece of clothing that would fit him.<p>

Apparently, the town of Puente Antiguo was officially out of 'Big and Tall' thanks to the prince of Asgaard.

Jane had not seemed to mind. And so neither did he. New funding from SHIELD guaranteed Jane enough money to compensate for such needed materials, and her beaming smile -as bright as the desert day- had lulled him into a false sense of security.

It was not until they had decided to also shop for her that the 'incident' occurred.

She had been trying on new blouses, adamant that a new wardrobe had been "a long time coming". At first, she did not ask him to comment on any of the item she tried, and merely stared at herself for a few brief moments in a mirror before grabbing another and leaving to change into it. And then she noticed him craning his head (perhaps in an ungentlemanly manner, now that he recalled it) to get a better look when she did so.

She had returned to the changing room to try the next one on….

And that's when it happened.

"_Um…Thor? What do you think of this one?"_

It was sleeveless, he noted. And simple- flowing away from her waistline with a small ruffle that seemed very appealing. But….

It was a deep hue of brown. And it did not…

Look good. It turned her brown eyes into pools of dark nothingness.

And so he'd told her so.

"_It is not as charming as the others. It dulls you."_

The moment the statement left his mouth, Thor saw Jane's demeanor change. Her smile faded, slowly at first, and then dropped completely. She did not respond to his comment, but simply shrugged her shoulders and left to change back into her original outfit.

Thor was concerned at her reaction.

And as the day continued, with the pair leaving the store, returning to the lab, meeting with SHIELD and making dinner later that night, he grew more and more fretful.

Jane had not spoken two words to him since he had commented on her blouse.

And he did not understand _why_.

It confounded him that she was suddenly so distant, so cold….

Colder than the air that drew bumps on his arms as he came to ponder his folly on the laboratory rooftop.

* * *

><p>He had remained there out of respect.<p>

Jane was obviously unhappy with him, and suddenly, the prospect of climbing into her bed with no invitation seemed disgustingly akin to _blatant invasion_ on his part. She had fallen asleep long before he'd decided not to share the small bed with her. And although the previous nights of doing so had brought about nothing more than a few sudden passionate kisses and late night joke-telling, it was still more than he would have asked for from her.

And during his stay here on Earth, it was the only place he would ever want to lay his head.

The sun now blazed across the red sands and chased the shadows from the town below.

Thor ran a hand through his hair and made his way into the lab to retrieve Mjolnir.

He would fly in search of much-needed aide with this dilemma he had created for himself.


	2. Coffee with Banner

Chapter 2!

And this fic seems like it's going to be VERY random-in both posts and content.

Hope you enjoy-I'm introducing some characters here I've never written before. Please let me know how I portray them!

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><p>His boots drew heavy echoes through the metal halls of the underground SHIELD compound. The few agents that passed him by did so with a curt nod or a full salute. He briefly wondered when he had become considered a militaristic superior to them.<p>

Upon landing in the mountains that served as natural protection for the hidden fortress, he had been met with several alarmed cries from various directions, most shouting "Halt! Identify yourself!" or "Don't move or you will be fired upon!"….

Thor had felt the amused smile grace his lips when the guards recognized his armor (and the unmistakable weapon that hung at his side) and lowered both their rifles and their heads.

He did not presume to call himself their better—in fact, he applauded their tenacity at protecting the advanced complex from any form of intruder—even one considered regularly welcome.

Coulson had met him at one of the entrances, allowing him inside with no hesitation, but nevertheless questioning his sudden appearance.

"What can we do for you, Donald?" Thor found his Earthly nickname to be popular among the SHIELD agents—Barton and Natasha often teased him with it as well.

"I merely came to check in with my teammates—I have not heard from you or Fury in some time. Is Rogers here?"

Thor did not make mention the actual reason he sought Captain America's company.

Now wandering the brightly lit hallways alone, Thor took several twists and turns, his memory of the vast building guiding him ever deeper, toward the training areas.

The weight room was his destination—the Captain could often be found there, meticulously hammering away at a punching bag or mock-boxing with one of the agents.

The curve of the hall had him turning left.

His head snapped to look into one of the adjacent rooms as he passed.

"Thor?" The scientist seated at the pristine, shining desk pulled his head from the microscope to look out the door at him.

Bruce Banner was certainly a surprise to see.

"Banner? What are you doing here? Working full time for SHIELD now?"

The smile that graced the man's face completely contradicted the image of his alter-ego. Even standing in the doorway, several feet from him, Thor could feel the chaotic energy that swirled within Banner's body. The beast called The Hulk was always there, just on the surface, watching everything from behind human eyes.

Mjolnir always responded to the invisible force that radiated from Bruce Banner; even now, it hummed at his side. Normally, Thor would take his weapon's encouragement to heart and attack.

But he had grown to respect this troubled, vexed mortal-even like him.

Banner shook his head and motioned to the microscope.

"Nah, just helping Fury out with a few things. Pretty complicated stuff—but I can show you if you want-" He suddenly broke off, a look of alarm crossing his features.

Thor did not miss the flicker of bright green in his eyes.

"Wait…what are you doing here? Did Fury call you? Has something happened?" His voice grew suddenly lower, a growl slipping into it against his consent. "Is your brother trying to destroy the universe again?" The Hulk rumbled through Banner's mouth, briefly.

The scientist closed his eyes quickly, and reopened them to continue his questioning gaze. The panicked rage was willed away, back to the recesses of Banner's mind.

Thor felt no fear at seeing his friend struggle with the creature inside of him. The Hulk itself had proven to be a worthy ally.

Mjolnir quieted at Thor's silent command.

"No, my friend, nothing has happened. Loki is secure, in Asgaard. I actually came to seek assistance. I had initially come to see Steve Rogers, but…." He trailed off, unsure of whether or not he wanted to broach the subject of the "Jane Issue" with Banner. Certainly, he considered the man his friend and ally, but….

He was more comfortable with Rogers as a confidant.

During their battles Thor had found a close companion in the Captain.

Thor fidgeted in the doorway.

Banner noticed it.

"Come in, Thor. What's going on?"

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><p>One coffee and several more bouts of fidgeting later, and Thor was beginning to think that Bruce Banner was not the type to seek advice on women from.<p>

The physicist stared blankly at him for a moment, apparently pondering his story.

He looked down briefly, staring into the lens situated in the microscope.

Then he chuckled. Thor was not pleased.

It was the chuckle of defeat.

"Honestly, Thor….this is not my area of expertise. Women, I mean. Only one has ever caught my interest and I spent most of my time avoiding her like a plague because of…you know…" He gestured to the entirety of himself. "I don't know if Steve could help you more, but, I'd recommend you find someone other than me, that's for sure. I do good keeping a giant green behemoth from taking over my body and destroying the nearest parked vehicle." He shook his head at himself, and resumed peering into the lens in front of him.

"All I can say is good luck; women are hard to get a bead on. There's no formula to help figure them out."

Thor nodded his understanding. Banner did not look up to see it.

The prince took it as his cue to leave; the scientist was ever the man to need time alone, despite his warm personality.

"I see. I will take your words to heart. Thank you for your time, Doctor Banner." The use of his title had Bruce looking back up at him.

Thor inclined his head respectfully and pulled the metal door shut behind him as he left.

He had not learned much from his short visit with the scientist, but what he could pull from the conversation was that most men found it difficult to read women.

He was glad he was not the only one.

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><p><strong>AN:** Hulk is one of the Marvel/Avenger characters I'm pretty unfamiliar with. In fact, I will be attempting to advise our beloved Asgaardian through several characters I know little about. Please be honest in your reviews-but perhaps also merciful, lol!


	3. Spying with Barton

Chapter 3! Tis coming along, my friends, albeit slowly, lol!

Decided to take a crack at another character more or less unknown to me. And I also decided to create areas of the SHIELD complex in my head. Hope it's not too confusing.

This chap may yet again seem random, but it does (sort of) have a purpose ;)

Enjoy!

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><p>The elevator- despite its sleek metal look and smooth, seemingly effortless ride- still made that slow, monotonous, annoying <em>ding<em> that seemed to grate the nerves of any who dared take it to the lower levels of the compound.

Thor swallowed down the urge to whack the control panel with Mjolnir.

The contraption slowed and stopped with a louder, more pronounced sound, and the doors slid open to reveal another long hallway. Thor reveled in the sudden darkness of this particular hall; the lights were much dimmer in the lower areas.

A bright light gleamed at the end of it, however, and he knew what lay beyond it.

Stepping out of the singular passage, Thor's boots met metal and he looked down over the railing before him.

Far below, several hundred feet down, was the main training stage, where SHIELD's most highly trained agents tested their limits and skills. Obstacle courses dotted the bright white area below him, along with innumerable sets of exercise equipment, most of which were designed to test and record an agent's physical boundaries.

Thor allowed a smirk to lift his lips. He remembered the loud, angry voice of Nick Fury echoing into the chamber when he walked in to find several of his machines malfunctioning.

The mortal's technology was great indeed, but even SHIELD's advancements could not even come close to finding the limits of an Asgaardian's stamina.

Thor noted a single body below, running and flipping swiftly through one of the test courses. Their agility was impressive.

He knew that agility well.

Natasha Romanoff was, at their first meeting, a no-nonsense woman with a cold glare and an appealing form. Thor recalled the scolding he gave himself when his eyes ran across her leather-clad body for the briefest of moments.

Through their missions, she had proved to be capable of holding her own against any adversary-perhaps better than many of the male agents Fury had working under his command.

Thor admired her skill and respected her authority within the organization.

But she was most certainly _not_ Jane Foster.

Tearing his gaze from the quick-footed woman below him, Thor took a few steps onto the short metal stairs that led to a catwalk.

Said catwalk led all the way across the top of the training stage.

On the other side, the building split once again into dark corridors, many leading into various smaller training rooms.

One of those was the secluded weight room where he hoped he would find the Captain.

His feet clanked across the metal beneath his feet, and he looked down to see Natasha glance up at him briefly. With his inhumanly sharp vision he could clearly see her nod his way before executing a perfect back-flip over a stationary beam.

Reaching the other side of the catwalk, something else caught his attention.

Movement from the shadows; a form lingered in one of the darker hallways.

He narrowed his vision as he made his way closer.

Stepping from the metal mesh of the walkway, Thor blinked upon recognizing the other primary SHIELD agent in his team: Clint Barton, affectionately called "Hawkeye" by many of his peers.

And, from where Thor was standing, it seemed Barton's nickname was befitting for more reasons than just his skill with long-range weaponry.

Sliding into the shadow with him, Thor gestured to the silent, cross-armed man.

"Training your sharp eyesight, Agent Barton?" He cocked his head toward the woman doing flips and performing aggressive kicks and jabs into the air below.

Clint grunted quietly, eyeing him for a moment before opening his mouth to speak in low tones.

"Something like that. What are _you_ up to, prince? I would have known if Fury or Coulson had called you in." His voice was almost a whisper, and it confirmed what Thor had suspected upon spotting him lingering in the dark.

Hawkeye had been watching his fellow agent. Closely.

He grinned despite himself.

Barton frowned in response.

"I'm looking for Rogers, actually. Is he training?"

The quiet agent looked behind him at the array of corridors, then back down at the woman now running on a treadmill as if she had a never-ending source of natural energy.

His eyes narrowed again, his frown becoming a scowl.

"Yeah, he's somewhere around here. Can't get that guy to stop training for a second. He and Romanoff have that in common." He paused, looked Thor in the eye darkly. "You won't tell her I was up here, will you? Woman can hold a cold-hearted grudge as good as any of them."

Thor raised his chin a bit, absorbing this new tidbit of insight that his brooding ally had unknowingly given him.

He glanced down at Natasha, took note of the beads of sweat running down her throat, and the fierce, determined look that blazed in her eyes as she ran.

He smiled when he caught Barton following his gaze.

"I will tell no-one, you have my word. "

Thor found it best to keep most of his conversations with Barton short, and now- having caught the man spying on his attractive, talented partner—was no exception.

He brushed past Clint with a curt nod and made his way down the hall that led to Rogers' favorite (almost private) training room.

Reaching the door, Thor felt a sudden deviousness claw at the back of his mind.

He cocked a grin and turned back to see Barton still hovering at the opposite end of the hallway, still looking down on Romanoff in concealed silence.

Thor let his voice rise just high enough to meet Hawkeye's earshot.

"You should probably tell Natasha that you're fascinated with her, Barton. These 'female grudges' of which you speak sound terrifying."

He laughed at the glare sent his way through the dim light.

And then frowned at the sight of an unhappy Jane entering his mind's eye.

Yes, these grudges sounded terrifying indeed….

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><p><strong>AN:** Decided to combine two versions of Hawkeye: Movieverse and Cartoonverse. Stole the idea of Clint crushing on Natasha from the Disney series "Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes". The show is, of course, tailored for teens, but all in all it's not bad. Jane is included as a side character (a paramedic lol) and has captured the interest of Cartoon Thor. My favorite interaction so far: Thor saves Jane from a car spinning out of control, asks if she's alright and she grins and replies "Hey...have you been_ following_ me?" To which Thor (adorably) fiddles with Mjolnir, breaks eye contact and says "Eh..._perhaps_?" TOO CUTE. I recommend it for those who still like cartoons lol!

Anyway, please review and voice your opinions on my little hybrid Hawkeye! ^.^


	4. Sparring with Rogers

Our poor, _poor_ Asgaardian. Is finding good advice _really_ this hard?

Yes. Yes it is.

Let us see if Cap can do any better.

Thanks as always for wonderful reviews! You guys make me grin madly.

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><p>The weight room was cold and the lighting dim, most of the overhead lights centered on the boxing ring situated in the middle of the floor.<p>

Standing in the ring, facing away from him, was Steven Rogers. Gloves were pulled over his hands, and his feet hopped and slid slightly in place as he jabbed at the air before him.

Thor stood still a moment and watched him. His fellow immortal—or as close as could be found on Earth-pursuing an endless cycle of preparation; Rogers wanted to be as ready as any of them if and when something occurred that called for the Avengers to intervene.

He admired Captain America, probably more than the rest of them. The man fought to protect his country, his people, and the fact that he was doing so in a time period completely unfamiliar to him made little difference.

They had fought well together. He found himself relying on Rogers during battle to the same degree he could rely on Fandral, or Hogun. A raised shield, ready to defend. A weapon, ready to strike when Mjolnir could not.

Surely this man he trusted so completely could help him understand what he had done to bring forth the cold demeanor he had wrought in Jane.

Thor snatched a pair of open-handed training gloves as he walked up to the ring.

Donning them, he slipped between the ropes behind Rogers.

It wasn't until his boots thudded against the ring floor that the Captain even realized he was there.

Swiftly he turned, hands still raised. Ready to strike if being ambushed.

Thor held his own gloved hands up.

"Easy, Captain. Just me."

Rogers smiled, but kept his hands up.

"Thor, fancy seeing you here. It's been awhile since Fury last called you in." He stopped to look at Thor's hands. "Come to train?"

Thor approached, set his feet firmly apart, and held up his splayed gloves for Rogers to take jabs at. But the Captain did not. He eyed the Asgaardian instead.

"Something wrong, Prince?"

The man was always acutely aware of the distress of his comrades.

It was a trait becoming of someone who lived to protect others.

"I came to ask for your help, actually. Your…advice, to be specific. I have already run into Banner and Barton since arriving. Neither could offer me anything of real value."

Captain America cast him an unsure look. Perhaps not many people had come to him for his advisement in the past?

He took his own stance.

Tapped one of his gloves to Thor's.

"Okay. You help me, I help you. Steady yourself."

Thor quietly marveled for a moment at the massive strength behind Rogers' punches.

"So tell me what the problem is, Thor. I can't imagine very much that could make you nervous."

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><p>Amidst the dull echoes of glove-meeting-glove that resounded in the room, there was a silence that permeated between the two super-beings in the boxing ring.<p>

Thor had told the Captain his story. Asked him what he thought the Asgaardian prince should do to make Jane happy again.

The quiet that followed made said prince even more frustrated than before.

Finally, a softer, weaker jab made contract with Thor's right glove. He felt the loss in the half-hearted blow.

"Thor, I've been asleep for almost seventy years, as you know. You read my file at HQ. You remember what it said about me pre-procedure?" Rogers had lowered his hands, began stripping the gloves from them. A sad smile crossed his features.

Thor lowered his own hands.

Apparently the spar was over.

Leaning back against the ropes, Thor thought back.

Of course. Steven Rogers had once been a man of less-than-average strength, but above-average courage. Small and weak, it had been only his bravery and determination that had seen him selected for the experiment that created the powerhouse standing before him in the ring.

A defeated groan escaped Thor's lips as he brought a training glove to his face and sighed into it.

"Let me guess. _You_ have very little experience with women too, right?"

Steve chuckled, reached up to scratch at the back of his head awkwardly.

"For the most part, I had none. Had a chance for a date, once. Screwed even that up. Got myself frozen for almost one-hundred years. A woman smiles at me, and my brain stops working. You're keener on women-even in your current situation-than I've been in the near century I've been alive."

It wasn't the Captain's fault that Thor suddenly wanted to throw a set of three-hundred pound weights through a wall.

At the rate he was going, it would be better for him to just go back to New Mexico and suffer Jane's bitingly chilly silence.

He sighed again, a deep, almost helpless tone leaking into it like blood into water.

Perhaps he _should_ just give up on finding aid. It seemed none of his comrades could give him any sort of….

"Hey, have you tried talking to Tony yet?"

Thor practically felt his ears move to catch Roger's voice.

"Stark? No…why? Do you think he could help me with this?"

The two moved out of the ring, and Steve began digging into a nearby cooler for a bottle of water. Thor's hand instinctively snapped up to catch the one tossed his way.

"Well, he _is_ the only other guy involved in an _actual_ relationship, besides yourself. You know, the redhead that we see at his hip so often? With the heels and notepad? She has a really unique nickname…."

Her last name was Potts, Thor recalled. Tony sometimes referred to her by it. He also called her…..

'Pep'.

"Pepper Potts."

Rogers snapped his fingers and downed half of his water in one fluid swig.

"Yeah, that's her. Besides, I've seen stuff about him on the television. In magazines, too. He's practically everywhere. And from what I hear, he used to be in the presence of countless women at any day and time. If you need help with Jane, I'd go to him."

Thor nodded, squeezed the last of his own water into his mouth and tossed the crushed plastic across the room into a waste bin.

Now that he thought about it, Thor himself had seen old pictures of Tony Stark in these 'magazines'. And in almost every one of them, Thor had seen his friend nearly inundated with random women.

Thor also noted the ever-present Pepper Potts in the background.

Perhaps Tony finally realized his assistant was the only woman he actually needed?

No matter. The point was that the quick-witted, egocentric, technologically dependent man that often took it upon himself to lead the Avengers into battle knew women.

And Thor felt he would go completely mad if he heard _one more_ of his friends tell him to ask someone else…..

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><p>I tried to make Cap a bit more modernized (considering, at this point, he should be mostly acclimated to the new century and its bright flashy tech) but also let his old-school mannerisms slip through from time to time. I mean, who says words like "fancy" anymore? ;)<p>

Love you gais. Please let me know how it goes so far!


	5. Drinking with Tony

Finally, tis Tony's turn!

Let us see just how _badly_ he can screw this up ;)

Enjoy!

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><p>Night had fallen by the time Thor reached the seaside home of Tony Stark.<p>

The scent of salt filled his nostrils as he landed with a soft thud directly in front of the doorway. He looked up at what he knew to be a small camera partially hidden in the moldings.

This was not his first visit to the Stark mansion.

He was well aware of the disembodied voice that ran the home. The "Artificial Intelligence" called Jarvis.

He peered at the camera, waiting for the computer to alert someone within to his presence.

Not a few seconds later, the front door swung open.

Thor opened his mouth to greet Tony Stark.

And then realized Pepper Potts had opened the door.

He was momentarily taken aback. Thor had seen Pepper several times since becoming Tony Stark's teammate, but in all previous meetings she had been very professionally dressed: gray suit, uncomfortable-looking shoes, hair spun into a tight bun on the back of her head.

The woman he looked at now was dressed for sleep. Pepper's hair was down, sliding across her shoulders as she tilted her head to the side at him. A bright blue sleep-shirt buttoned up to her neck matched the pants and fuzzy-looking slippers below.

She smiled at him.

Thor looked at the sky for a moment and wondered just how late it was.

"Thor, it really _is _you—for a minute there I thought Jarvis had a glitch-are you okay? It's almost eleven o'clock…." She trailed off and gave him a worried gaze.

"Oh, no, I am fine, Miss Potts. I….eh, apologize for coming by so late. I did not realize the time. If Tony has already retired for the night I could return at his convenience." Thor bowed his head curtly, a tingle of embarrassment sneaking into his brain.

Here he was, standing on his ally's doorstep like a lost pup, at an hour of the night when most people were getting ready to go to sleep.

He may have even ruined Tony and Pepper's "private time".

He grimaced and pushed the thought from his mind just as Pepper chuckled at him lightly.

"Tony? Sleep? Hardly. And I mean that. No, he's very much awake. Working on _something_ downstairs…. I'm sure it has something to do with Iron Man. Or a car. He knows you're here, anyway. Come in."

The sleepy-eyed redhead stepped aside as he entered. Thor took a moment to look at her, noting how much shorter she was without those dangerous-looking shoes she always wore.

He looked down at her slightly with an appreciative smile.

Normally, they were almost eye-level.

A gentle voice suddenly echoed into the air around them.

"Good evening, Prince. I have been instructed to instruct Pepper to offer you a drink. Miss Potts?"

Thor took a step back at the suddenly rigid posture his hostess had taken upon hearing the computer's words.

"_Instructed_? Excuse _me_, Tony Stark—I am your _assistant_. And….girlfriend….type-thing! I am most definitely _not_ your housemaid!" The woman raised her voice to the ceiling, and Thor knew the integrated "microphones" were carrying her anger downstairs to Tony's basement.

A louder, more abrasive voice replaced the computer.

"I know you're not—and I didn't say 'instruct', I said…..'ask'. I told Jarvis to a_sk_ you to offer Thor a drink. I have no idea where Jarvis got the word-you know what? Thor? I have drinks down _here_. Come down already before Pepper starts trying to talk to you about narcissism or something."

Thor suppressed a smile. The pair often had harmless disputes such as this. It seemed perfectly normal to them and a natural part of their relationship. He found it most entertaining.

Pepper huffed slightly and grinned at him.

"Sorry about that. Just had to put him back in his place."

Thor cocked his head to the side, something important registering in his brain.

He nodded.

"Of course, Miss Potts. I am sorry to have bothered you at this late hour. I promise you, Tony and I will keep quiet so you may rest."

She smiled her thanks and commanded Jarvis to light the stairwell that led to Stark's basement.

* * *

><p>He was greeted by Iron Man himself as the AI allowed him access to the slightly fortified workshop.<p>

Or rather, the helmet of Iron Man; situated over Tony's head, the faceplate was open and Stark grinned at him.

"Hey, Thor. Want a martini?"

Despite his time on Earth Thor was still unfamiliar with many of their drinks. Nevertheless—especially considering the past two days- he was willing to take just about anything.

"Yes, Tony. Yes I do."

* * *

><p>'Martinis' had turned into 'screwdrivers', which had then turned into 'fruity little mixed numbers' which had eventually turned into 'just drink this bottle' and Thor was, by this point, <em>almost<em> feeling drunk.

What kept him alert was the fact that Tony Stark was snickering at him.

"Thor…Jesus….man, you went to Banner about this? And Clint? And…*snicker*….and the _Captain_? Okay, granted, you didn't know any better but, come on….you should have the instinctive ability to tell a ladies' man when you see one. You should've come to me from the start."

The Asgaardian polished off his bottle of gin and juice and basked in the _minute_ fuzzy feeling it gave him.

He suddenly wanted to laugh at the obviously intoxicated Tony Stark.

"Of course my friend—what was I thinking? Now tell me, _please_….what should I have said? What should I do?" He hoped, with a quick burst of clarity, that his friend was not _too_ drunk to answer his question.

Or to notice that he was practically begging at this point.

Tony laughed loudly, dark eyes smiling at him. A knowing smirk landed on his lips.

"Thor-let me tell you this. It's possibly the most important piece of advice regarding women you will e_ver_ hear. So pay attention. Okay?"

Thor mentally slapped himself into clear-headedness and nodded earnestly.

_FINALLY. Someone who can TELL me something._

"Women are fickle, Thor. Very, _very _fickle. Do you know what that means? It means they never know what they want. It means they are completely indecisive. It makes it so much easier to get inside their heads. And what do we do when we get to that point? Use it to our advantage, Thor. Figure out what they _want_ to hear, what they w_ant_ us to say, and say it. Even if it's not true. Are you following me here?"

Thor nodded.

Tony wasn't buying it.

"_Okay._ For example: a few days ago Pepper asked me if her new dress-pants made her butt look bubbly. I told her 'no'. I _lied_, Thor. And you know what? I got laid that night. Get it now?"

Thor nodded again.

Yes…he most certainly _did_ get it now.

And he most certainly did _not_ know if he agreed.

Tony Stark was telling him that the key to making Jane happy was to lie to her. Just like that. _Blatantly_.

And while the _awards_ for making her happy this way seemed quite the interesting prospect, he just could not bring himself to entertain the thought of going through with such dishonesty.

Call it honor.

Call it dignity.

Call it being an Asgaardian.

Thor looked his friend in the eye.

Tony's half-lidded orbs met his.

"Stark, my friend, I thank you. Your advice has been most helpful. However, I am unsure if I will use it. It is late. You have consumed much drink. I think it is time for me to go."

Thor patted his team leader on the shoulder. Watched in mild horror when Tony fell backward against the leather seats of his 'hotrod' in a daze.

Laughed when Tony flashed him what he had come to recognize as the "OK" sign.

Thor headed back upstairs to inform Pepper of her lover's current state of diminished reality.

* * *

><p>He found her flipping channels on the television lazily.<p>

"Miss Potts, I'm afraid Tony is quite drunk. It….may be partially my fault. It takes much to intoxicate me and I think he felt the need to keep up."

Pepper snapped from her sleepy haze and blinked at him.

"Oh, well, it can't be any worse than before he became Iron Man, that's for sure. Don't worry, Thor, he'll be just fine. Let him sleep it off. I'll greet him in the morning with coffee and aspirin—he'll be back to normal by noon."

Thor bowed his head, relieved.

"Very well. Have a good night, Miss Potts."

His hand reached for the door just as she spoke again.

"Did he at least give you good advice? Because if he was already trashed by the time you asked for it, you might as well just have asked _me_."

He had turned the handle of the door and suddenly frozen.

Thor turned to look at her.

Blinked.

Blinked again.

_Of. Course._

How could he have been so….

'_Chauvinistic? '_

Misdirected?

Thor smiled suddenly.

"Miss Potts. I know you're tired but…I could _really_ use your help….."

Pepper gave him the most knowing look he had ever seen in his lifetime. And he had been raised by _Odin Allfather_.

"Of course. But let it wait until morning. Crash in one of the spare rooms. I'll make a call in the morning and set up a date for breakfast."

The tone in her voice commanded against argument.

And the tiny tingle in his brain reminded him of how much alcohol he had consumed.

Thor felt, instinctively, that it would _not_ bode well for him to return to Jane reeking of drink.

So he surrendered.

It wasn't until Pepper had shown him to a bed and bid him a good night that he realized what she'd said to him.

He decided to simply wait until morning to see what this "date" she was planning would consist of…

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** Pep's calling in reinforcements? Maybe our boy will FINALLY get the right advice from the RIGHT people! ^.^


	6. Dining with Women

**WOW. Oh god. **

Readers of this fic, I so humbly apologize for leaving it in such a state. I was kidnapped by a mischievous green-eyed god of beautiful-evil and he would not let me go.

He still hasn't technically. I asked him to let me out to play with Thor a bit. ^.^

Sorry this is so short, but I do hope to finish it soon!

I forgot how silly this fic was...I hope you continue to enjoy! :)

* * *

><p>Thor had never felt quite so out of place in his entire life.<p>

The diner had been one thing: groups of normal-looking people, scarfing down normal-looking food in what seemed a normal-looking setting.

But this was something else entirely.

Pepper smiled at him from across the small table in the outdoor café.

A large 'umbrella' was situated in the middle of it, cutting sunlight from their eyes.

People in "Pepper"-looking suits sat at various tables around him. All eyed him curiously.

The redhead strongly suggested he try the tea.

Thor had never wanted a drink of alcohol so badly in all his days.

A tiny cup was set in front of him. It too had an umbrella in it.

They were still waiting on the third party to arrive. Thor silently cursed whomever Pepper had asked to meet them there.

He glanced around, smiled weakly at the people who passed them by. He was glad he had not come in full armor. Nevertheless, he felt strange, sitting there in regular human attire with Mjolnir situated on the ground by his foot.

Three children had already run up to him and asked to touch it.

Despite the stress of the previous few days, he'd happily obliged. Nothing brought him a sense of joy quite like the sight of a smiling child.

Except perhaps, the sight of a smiling Jane.

A shadow suddenly cast itself in front of them.

A leather-clad form ducked under the large umbrella and sat down, mumbling into a cell phone.

She snapped it closed and looked at them.

Natasha Romanoff was no-nonsense as usual.

"I just lied to Fury about what I was doing here. Told him I was looking into a rumor that Stark had built an unnecessarily large self-destruct option into one of his suits. I get to go back later and tell him it was false alarm. You owe me for this one, Potts." She waved a waiter over and then looked Thor in the eye.

She smiled.

Thor genuinely believed it was the first time he'd ever seen her do so.

"So…I hear you're having girl trouble?"

Thor looked at the two women smiling his way. Felt a sudden wave of foolishness come over him.

He fought the urge to throw Mjolnir into the air with all his might, catch the handle, and see where it took him.

He remained glued to the intricately-crafted wire chair.

Squeezed his cup of tea so hard he felt it crack slightly in his hand.

"Yes."

He retold the story for what had to be the fifth or sixth time in two days.

* * *

><p>Thor sat rigidly, sipping the strange, nearly bland liquid and fiddling awkwardly with the green salad Pepper had ordered for him. He felt something beyond shame seep into his very soul. It was like the Jotunheim incident, multiplied by infinity.<p>

What kind of warrior would _eat_ this?

_Easy, Odinson. Do it for Jane._

Pepper and Natasha had listened to his recount and were nodding at him slowly, smiling as if he were a child. It made the situation all the more miserable.

And then:

"I know what you intended to say. What you _should_ have said. It's obvious…." Pepper shook her head at him and laughed a bit.

In any other instance he would have felt his face redden with shame and anger.

But not this day.

This day, the words, the smiles, and the laughs, were like the most beautiful chimes ringing in his ears with glad tidings.

"Thank _Odin_. Tell me—please!"

Natasha typed away at her phone, glancing at Pepper to show she was listening as well.

"You _meant_ to say that the brown color of the blouse made her eyes lose their spark. Something brighter, like a blue tone, would have made them stand out more; made them shine….right?"

Thor felt his jaw slacken and wondered if the red-headed woman in front of him was a sorceress. Or a psychic. Or both.

He nodded almost dumbly, feeling as if he had finally found the _one_ person in all the universe who understood him. In that moment, Thor wanted to hug Pepper Potts like she was his savior.

Because in many ways, she was.

"That…yes…_yes_. _Precisely_! I…how did….?"

He struggled to find his tongue and Natasha snickered a bit at him.

"We're women, Thor. I may not wear a lot of color, but I know how to coordinate them if I wanted to. It's basic stuff. I'm just kind of impressed that _you_ know it…"

Thor smiled a bit and felt his spine straighten in the uncomfortable wire chair. A swell of pride filled his chest.

"I am royalty, Miss Romanoff. Do you think I wear the red cape for nothing?"

He felt relief flood through him as the women laughed and resumed their meal.

Shoveling a piece of lettuce into his mouth, Thor chewed with more vigor and joy than he ever had consumed a vegetable before in his hundreds of years.

He peered out from underneath the large umbrella at the blue sky.

While his female comrades were intelligent and helpful, he felt he could handle things from this point.

He glanced at the women and nodded slightly.

"Ladies. I will be making a trip home this day. Please call Jane and tell her I am in Asgaard for now, and that I will return soon. There is something I need to do…."


End file.
